onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
