Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
