Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
