i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Im part way to drunk.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
