Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
