God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I looked at my own cervix.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
