Cold hands, warm shart.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
