my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
