So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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