You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
