I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't deserve a penis
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
