you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
