I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize