his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
