goodnight i made you a song goodbye
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
