How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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