my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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