Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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