Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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