The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i've created a new STD.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize