Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
