Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Success! We fucked roommates!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
