also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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