Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
