haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
