Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize