I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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