nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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