discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
