People in love make me want to vomit
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
