I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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