I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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