I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
