I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
