I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
