Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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