Non-Jews are for practice
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
