I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
