Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
