you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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