he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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