i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
