Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hippo gnu deer
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
