Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
