we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
