Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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