Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
