you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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