i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The best revenge is premature balding
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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