i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
