just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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