My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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