I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
