i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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