Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Be still, my beating vagina.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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