Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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