I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
