so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
