eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize