Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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