totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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