She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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