I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize